The modern pace of life and technology are reshaping perceptions of intimacy and relationships—from fleeting encounters to a conscious search for emotional connections. How do people today achieve a balance between career, personal freedom, and the need for closeness? Is this intimacy as essential to them as it was a thousand, a hundred, or even just 30 years ago? On this topic, Tengri Life reporters spoke with Irina Volkova, Vice President of the Association of Family Psychotherapists and Psychologists of Kazakhstan and a sexologist.
What role does intimacy play in the life of a modern person?
According to Volkova, intimate relationships have long ceased to be solely about reproduction.
Today, intimacy, as the specialist explained, serves many other functions; it is now a way to:
- attain emotional pleasure;
- relieve psychological stress;
- strengthen self-belief and personal power.
"A person feels their significance and experiences joy from interaction. Such moments recharge them, allowing them to return to life, work, and society with renewed energy. When discussing individuals over 40, it's common for their reproductive function not to be a priority. At this age, people better understand their desires and expectations from relationships; they know what they want. Recently, a couple came to see me; he is 42, and she is 37. They are quite mature individuals. When I asked, 'What does intimacy mean to you?' the man replied, 'For me, it's the highest degree of spiritual unity with my beloved woman.' Agree, that's beautifully and profoundly expressed!" - noted Volkova.
However, not all men perceive intimacy with such awareness. What other trends are specialists observing?
"Indeed, under modern conditions, many seek pleasure easily and quickly, utilizing technologies and services. For instance, the webcam industry is actively developing. Some individuals prefer virtual contacts because they require no investment—neither financial nor emotional. For men, such relationships become a way to avoid the complexities of real interactions. They don't have to care for their partner's needs, build long-term relationships, or engage with her relatives. These simplified forms of intimacy create an illusion of interaction but do not demand the effort necessary to establish a genuine emotional connection. For women, the webcam sphere often serves as a means to solve financial issues. For example, I had a client, a modest elementary school teacher, who had been coming to see me for several years. One day, I noticed something had changed in her. It turned out she had quit teaching and started working in the webcam industry. Although she enjoyed working with children, financial motivations proved stronger. I want to emphasize that when people address their material issues in this way, they change, and it reflects on their personalities," - shared Volkova.
Is intimacy important for health? What does modern science say about it?
Health, according to WHO classification, is not just the absence of diseases but a comprehensive state of physical, psychological, and social well-being, the doctor explained.
"If we consider sex as part of this complex, it can indeed have a positive effect on a person's overall condition. However, it is important to understand that intimacy for health is not a panacea. The advice to 'find someone for health' for a person who cannot meet a suitable partner and is experiencing internal conflicts is, at the very least, unethical. Such relationships are unlikely to bring satisfaction," - the specialist remarked.
Nevertheless, she clarified that for men, the issue is simpler in the sense that society traditionally expects less emotional involvement from them.
"Yet, men are increasingly becoming more selective: they value emotional connection and feelings in relationships. Even if the connection is brief, it should bring pleasure and mutual understanding to both parties.
Conflicts between partners also negatively impact health. In crisis situations, many couples temporarily abstain from intimate life. In such cases, men and women may even sleep in separate rooms or avoid physical contact until they resolve their psychological issues. Restoring emotional connection—understanding, trust, and faith in each other—often becomes the key to renewing intimacy. When this happens, intimate relationships gain new energy and meaning, bringing the expected benefits, including for health," - said the doctor.
Are people today having less sex?
"I wouldn't say that there's been a decrease; rather, the age groups actively involved in intimate life have changed. For instance, among middle-aged individuals, aged 35 to 50, activity has decreased. However, in the older age category, 60 and above, there is a reverse trend: many people continue to lead an active sexual life well into their 75s. Young people, understandably, have always been and remain active," - provided the specialist.
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Why have people aged 35-50 started having less sex?
According to Volkova, negative experiences play a significant role at this age: some have faced disappointment, failure, tragedy, or cannot let go of past relationships. Although this period of life is considered one of the most active and interesting, many begin to avoid new relationships due to the fear of pain and the repetition of past losses. Once burned, people become more selective," - Volkova responded.
Some women, she noted, know how to openly discuss their desires and preferences with their partners. They find the right tone of communication, expressing their needs in a way that does not offend the man. As a result, such women experience no issues and derive pleasure from their sexual lives.
"However, there are those who, despite discomfort and dissatisfaction, will never tell their partner the truth about their feelings. Many women are like this, and when you ask them, 'Why?' they respond that they don't want to hurt the man, appear frigid, or simply fear it. After all, men sometimes start blaming women for problems related to intimate life, which only exacerbates women's complexes, leading them to completely reject sex. However, those couples who managed to overcome these barriers and find joy in sexual relationships appear happier and, consequently, healthier," - the doctor explained.
In the past, it was commonly believed that women needed a regular sexual life. Gynecologists even recommended having a partner to maintain women's health. However, the specialist clarified that if we follow this logic, then all nuns should be ill.
"Statistics show that the percentage of diseases affecting women's organs, including tumors, is roughly the same across all groups of women. In reality, this is a myth imposed by society. Intimacy should bring joy and happiness. It is during such moments that both men and women produce hormones that trigger necessary processes in the body. If sex does not bring pleasure, then reverse processes are set in motion, which negatively impact both physical and psychological levels. Psychological stress can provoke physiological problems, ultimately leading to various diseases," - warned Volkova.
Soviet writer and satirist Mikhail Zhvanetsky said at 53, "I have already moved on from big sex to coaching." We decided to ask, at what age do modern men "retire from big sex"?
"Following this analogy, a man who was a 'sportsman' in sex will remain in the game until the end. There are elderly men whose physiological functions may not work as they did before, but they can still provide pleasure to their partner in other ways. They also gain not only psychological but also physiological inspiration from this. Nowadays, people at 55 often look great, lead active lives, and maintain their sexuality for many years. Recently, a man called me, complaining that he rarely has intimacy with his wife. I asked him, 'How old are you?' He replied, 'I am 74, and my wife is 72.' I clarified: how often does intimacy occur? He says, 'Twice a week.' And he genuinely considers this a problem," - shared the doctor a case from her practice.
Has the age of onset of menopause changed?
Scientists claim that the biological age of modern individuals has shifted back by 15-20 years. That is, we all appear younger than our ancestors at the same age. Irina Volkova explained how this reflects on the reproductive sphere and whether the age of menopause has changed.
"Previously, menopause was seen as the end for a woman as a woman: time to focus on gardening, farming, and cats. But today, much has changed. Many women face early menopause, which occurs without significant difficulties, does not torment them, and practically does not affect libido," - she noted.
Photo: depositphotos.com
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