Love is not just about romantic strolls under the moon and passionate confessions. It also involves jointly tackling everyday issues, financial problems, and raising children. But are you ready for this? Tengri Life discusses how to avoid mistakes and build a strong family.
Recently, a troubling trend went viral on social media. Young women shared videos about their divorces, showcasing the contrast between their happy days before marriage and the moments they were forced to return to their parents after a breakup.
Accompanied by the trending sound, thousands of videos gathered, and users shared their opinions on this trend in the comments.
"Do they change after marriage?", "Why can't men take responsibility for the family?", "A woman is tested in sickness, and a man in paternity leave", "Girls, don't get married until you buy yourself an apartment", "It’s really sad for the girls who had to go through this. None of them wanted a divorce", "It's good to have a place to return to", "Such trends break my heart," – wrote the commentators.
Commentators noted that such stories break their hearts, as every woman entering marriage hopes for happiness, stability, and support. However, without prior discussion and conversation on important topics, many couples encounter problems that lead to disappointment and ultimately – to divorce.
Divorce Statistics in Kazakhstan
According to the Bureau of National Statistics of the Agency for Strategic Planning and Reforms of Kazakhstan, in 2023, there were 120,870 registered marriages, and in the first 10 months of 2024 – 105,611. However, the number of divorces remains high: 40,277 divorces in 2023 and 33,231 from January to October 2024.
Expert Advice: What to Discuss Before Marriage
So, what can be done to avoid a sad ending? We spoke with psychiatrist and psychotherapist Arai Algoshina, who provided recommendations on which topics must be discussed before the wedding.
Values and Expectations from Marriage
Marriage is a union of two individuals raised in different families and cultures. Therefore, it is crucial to understand how each partner envisions their life together.
- How will family events be celebrated?
- How will the budget be allocated?
- How will household responsibilities be shared?
- What are the relationships with parents, friends, and relatives?
- What are each person’s career ambitions?
"The inability to discuss these topics is already a sign of insufficient readiness for marriage," – noted Algoshina.
Arai emphasized that if expectations do not initially align, it will lead to disappointment and conflicts.
"The modern world dictates its rules, and it’s 'trendy' when 'the husband’s money is shared, but the wife’s money is only hers'; one might promise, 'you won’t need anything and aren’t obligated to work,' but the reality may be different. Therefore, one must not only 'listen with ears' but also analyze. If a girl plans to marry a 21-year-old student who promises her golden mountains, she needs to clearly understand: where will he obtain them? By what means? Will these be stable 'golden mountains' or just situational earnings?
These topics are essential to discuss to make not an emotional decision, but a reasoned one, so that each can ensure a calm tomorrow with a high level of trust in each other. It's important to discuss where the young couple plans to live, understanding what possibilities they have if they decide to rent a place. Often, couples argue because household responsibilities fall entirely on the woman, and there are disagreements about raising and treating children," – shared the psychotherapist.
Finances and Budget Allocation
Financial disagreements are one of the main reasons for divorces. Often, couples do not discuss in advance who will be the primary breadwinner, how money will be spent, and what each person's financial priorities are.
"Financial approaches are important not only to discuss but also to observe. There can be a situation where one partner is used to saving on everything, while the other spends money without accounting. How will they save for common goals? For instance, one partner may be accustomed to helping their parents, while the other believes all the funds should remain within the family. These moments are very important," – explained the expert.
How to Avoid Conflicts?
- Openly discuss financial habits.
- Agree on major expenses.
- Be honest about debts and obligations.
- Agree on budget allocation.
"Many young men, who do not have fathers, try to help their mothers from the age of 18, and after they marry, they want to continue this, which sometimes conflicts with the family budget, especially after children are born. If this is an average young family with the husband's salary ranging from 300,000 to 350,000 tenge and a wife on maternity leave caring for the child, conflicts often arise if money starts 'leaving the family.'
There is no single correct advice on how to 'agree.' It's all individual for each couple. Some can afford not to work, some have a large family business, some do physical work, while others do intellectual work. In such cases, I recommend quality family psychotherapy and working with a financial consultant to understand each person's current obligations, possible and, importantly, realistic ways to achieve financial goals. For overall family security, make sure this income is stable and legal, without any 'schemes, tricks, or deceptions,'" – shared Arai.
Children: Plans and Upbringing
One of the most important questions is the desire to have children.
"If you do not agree on this point, do not think that over time the person will change their mind," – emphasized Algoshina.
What is Important to Discuss?
- Readiness for parenthood.
- Distribution of responsibilities for child care.
- Attitudes towards pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding.
- Methods of upbringing and discipline.
"I recommend that girls listen to their fiancé's opinion about paternity leave, whether the husband will support the need for the mother to rest from the children, and whether he plans to stay alone with the child. How does the future spouse feel about the fact that pregnancy and childbirth may not go as planned, that the child cannot always be breastfed, and that he may cry for days?
It’s worth discussing how each of your parents raised you: the thin line of your parenting will echo in the words and actions that you received from your parents," – added the expert.
Health and Bad Habits
Before entering marriage, it is essential to discuss each other's health status. This includes both chronic illnesses and psychological conditions.
"In gynecology classes, we were taught to ask our partners for certificates regarding sexually transmitted infections, hepatitis, and HIV. This is about safety, on one hand, and on the other, it’s an important part of family planning. Most diseases are 'inherited,' and everyone has the right to know about their partner's health status, understanding that it may be passed on to future children," – warned Arai.
It is also important to recognize the role and influence of bad habits.
"A person with bad habits and addictions will not quit them for others; they will only quit for themselves and their health. For example, many people smoke. And when a child is born, one cannot smoke where they live, because nicotine is one of the triggers of sudden infant death. Cigarette use increases during stress. Is it worth building a family with someone for whom it is essential to smoke at home and in the bathroom? Would you start a relationship with someone knowing about the alcohol dependence of all male relatives? Or if you realize that diabetes, which runs in the wife's family, might be passed on through her?" – noted the psychotherapist.
Career, Place of Residence, and Future Plans
How will the couple's career ambitions be structured? Who is willing to move if necessary? Should one partner sacrifice their job for the other?
"Sometimes, a woman expects that after giving birth, her husband will take on financial responsibility, but he turns out not to be ready. Or a young couple dreams of relocating, but after having children, this becomes impossible, leading to disagreements," – noted the expert.
It is better to discuss each person's career and family priorities in advance to avoid misunderstandings.
Ways to Resolve Conflicts
Disputes are inevitable